Monday, May 17, 2010

In a year.


Ready for my runner at MMT.

A year ago, on this day, I was flying home from crewing and pacing my friend and Salomon Teammate, Glen Redpath at MMT. Since that time a great deal has happened, 2009 whizzed by but was dense with experience and life. I can't believe its been a year since I was prepping for the World Championships running 40 miles on the road in blazing speed. If I had guessed where I would be in a year, it would have looked nothing like how things have shaped up. It is really cool when the life you imagined pales in comparison and falls flat to the life you actually lead.

I am very happy. Contented. In a good place. I started this blog to keep me accountable on the delicious journey so to speak, but now I see that accountability is not the motivation I needed, acceptance of life, patience and true acceptance of the journey was. A lot of the goals that I have put up here have changed. I have said I would do things and I will not. For instance, I will NOT be writing the book. I tried, I dug, I researched. I felt like I wasn't doing it for me. My heart wasn't in it, my heart was too damn happy. My mind was too busy looking presently or dreaming of the many possibilities for the future.

I know there is no singular answer to all the questions I have posed to myself and on this blog. But I am finally getting to a place where I can accept that I don't have to futilely still try to find one. Even in my last post, I declared that "the answer" in pursuing my dreams was going to a real culinary program. So I applied and was accepted to San Francisco Baking Institute. But I turned them down. Apparently, when the moment came to really leap at this, my heart wasn't in it. Yes, the $15,000 price tag was not something I could in good conscious take on, but the fact of the matter is, if I really had wanted it bad enough, I would have found a way to make it work.

I am happy. And an interesting contributor to that happiness is finally relinquishing being so damn hard on myself. I can whip myself into a frenzy over what a worthless pile of crap I am in 2 seconds flat, but the fact of the matter is, I am actually a pretty good person. That good simple person has simple dreams. I have tried for a long time to talk myself out of those dreams. No more. No more trying to find that, ah ha moment on what I am going to do with myself and my life. Myself and my life are going to keep on keeping on their own merry (and delicious) way without (and in spite of) what I think about it.

I see now that by trying to document my journey here, I was really trying to control it. Make me accountable to the 7 people who read this, motivate me to work on the answers, hasten towards a resolution. I see know that the reality of the situation is, I don't need to talk, write or ruminate anymore from an ivory tower about my journey, I just need to put one foot in front of the other and make my way.

2 comments:

  1. Wow, really nicely said. You are an inspiration. Can't wait to see what you do next but think it is wonderful you take the time to enjoy the journey.

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  2. Love this! Hits at a good time in my life.. Guess you can increase your count of readers from 7 to 8. I found you from the article on 'let them eat meat'.. i am a reformed vegan/raw foodie... though I never identified myself as such. ;D I did identify w/ your post about the emotions around the change back to omnivorous consumption.. and this post as well. Keep putting that foot in front of the other!

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