Thursday, December 10, 2009

Home, let me go home

For me this year (and beyond) has been typified by my spontaneity, not my commitment. At least to place. I have floated and bounced. Searched and sought. Pondered and thought. Decided and undecided. I have for a long time, maybe even since I left San Francisco two years ago, never felt home. I have felt restless and unsatisfied with solutions that I thought were the answers to my searching.

It is a funny thing, signing a lease. It is a funny thing when it means that you have found your home again. I have signed many a lease since leaving SF and never felt home. I have lived in beautiful places, made my self beautiful spaces but never felt home. I feel home now. I signed on the dotted line and even if it is just an apartment with my sister, a block away from where we use to live together a few years ago, it is still my home. That excites me. I am going up to Seattle this weekend and taking my stuff out of storage and that blows my mind even more. I can unfolding my life only in part, stop living with one foot out the door. I haven't wanted to for a long time, but it took more than just sheer willpower to make it so. As I discussed in earlier posts on this blog, finding a home was one of my goals or objectives along my delicious journey. I discussed leaving Seattle many months ago and not looking forward to the road. Not looking forward to the open ended, no answer to "when will you be back?" or even "where do you live?". I didn't know. And now I do. Cue the music and ride off into the sunset? Nope, but in a long of ways, establishing a firm place of residence is a closing of a chapter, a book, a leg of the journey. No longer can I expend my mental energy in finding my place in the world. Instead I can expend it finding my way in the world from the springboard of home. I can take it off my plate. It also opens me up to things that haven't been possible, things I have longingly wanted but been unable to touch for a while: committment, routine, regular every day life.

I am not balking at the vagabond life I have been leading. Heck no! Don't get me wrong, it suits a part of my personality. But routine and every day life do too. And as I mentioned in my shadows on the wall posting, I have a pretty radtastic "regular" life, so committing to that is not scary at all! This new chapter of my life is unfolding and I am embracing it, warts and all, with open arms. I get giddy thinking about monthly girls nights and thursday morning early morning runs. Sunday dinners and crossing things off the list. I am looking forward to balance, looking forward to all the fun things that come along with having a home (like not having stuff in storage! Dinner parties! Etc). I am looking forward to having this constant struggle and question, not be a constant struggle and question. Instead, I can focus my attention on my career, my running, and finding a way to write that book, those blog and open that cafe or food company. From here I launch. It is exciting, terrifying, a drastic change and only a subtle move at the same time. It is an adventure.

Enough talk for now, I need to go move another load of stuff to the new place!

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