I admit it, I was freaking out for the last few days. Taper madness squared and then multiplied by a few other physical factors (like low iron, pissed off stomach and swollen legs) had me in a tizzy. I hate that feeling and I hate being waist deep in it and unable to extricate or talk myself out of it. I annoy myself with the feeling, I can't even imagine how much I annoy others with it, as much as I try and keep it to myself. It is natural. As my coach Howard would say, "you feel like crap, perfect! You are right on schedule!". I know that my best race this year came on the heels of a similar taper week and that I should have just let myself "feel what I feel" instead of resisting it or trying to ninja kick it in the butt. The ninja kick didn't work, but lightening up and having a little faith that it would work itself out did.
I am looking at this particular episode of neurotic overexamination with interest. My personality is prone to being introspective yes, but I sometimes have to rein myself back from that, lighten up and not put everything under the microscope. Not everything in life needs to be micro-managed. I am usually pretty good about not doing that. I am a pretty go with the flow adaptable person, but when I go into hyper-examinator mode, I really go. But I realize that this time, I am being more aware of the arch of the "spaz out" and feeling. I am feeling it, working on it, struggling with it and all at the same time, maintaining humor about it. It's really not all that serious after all, not much in life is, as much as a bit of taper madness might make it feel like it is.
I think one of the greatest things for me to work on is in fact not spending as much time doing such intense self examination, especially when experiencing routine dishevelment. At this point in my life, I don't take much very seriously. I have a levity in my heart that hasn't existed in a long time, maybe ever. I really like where I am and where I (may be) am going. I look at each day with excitement, interest and contentment. I have been incredibly present and it is such a nice way to be. And so, when life dips and dives into murky emotional waters, I need to continue to stay present and ride along the crests and waves the way I do the positive ebbs and flows.
I forgive myself too, for my imperfections, for when I fail myself. I forgive myself without shame, without punishment. I smile knowing that everything in life ebbs and flows, comes and goes, even when I cannot maintain faith in that. It is nice to laugh heartily at yourself, especially after working yourself into such a tizzy! I laugh, put on a some music and my running shoes and go enjoy a spontaneous mountaintop dance party.