Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Blues

I've got the blues. No, I am not about to break out into song like a commercial for that quasi-food stuff that comes in a blue box. But I got the blues. I got the everything is going right-post good race-sun is shining-weight off my shoulders blues. Wait what? It makes even less sense to me. I just have been having one of those days when no matter how I try to balance, the whole boat just keeps capsizing.

Thankfully, things really ARE great right now, so I am able to not feel as panicky as I have in past months when I feel this anxiousness set in. In fact, I think a day like this after such a huge weekend of positives is almost inevitable. You can't be at peak Endorphins and emotions all the time. Things really came together for me all at once, sweeping me almost unprepared into a state of mind which I have longed for and sought out unsuccessfully for a few month, that is: peace, satisfaction, center and dare I say, happiness. These have been relative strangers for a while as I struggled to get out of my own head, but inevitably just dug myself deeper and deeper.

Getting the new library job really changed everything. It parted the clouds, it lifted the 500 lbs off my shoulders. It unpaused my life. It freed me. It returned to me passion about my work. It gives me structure, human interaction and boundaries. It was everything I have been needing, not because it is inherently more than just a job, but because of what it enables inwardly and externally. It is the job I went to graduate school for and it is an adventure.

The race this weekend was a huge positive confirmation that my training is going well and I am doing the right things. It erased my doubts and fears of my own abilities and training. It just felt good. I had a great day.

My current employer and my current landlords surprised me with their unwavering support. Including my current employer wanting to continue to keep me on in a part-time capacity which precludes me from having to look for another job. My current landlords are working with me so that I can move out and get another place closer to my new work and less expensive.

So why the blues? At first I did not recognize it. In fact, I cannot take credit at all for recognizing it. My mother called it when I emailed her to lament feeling like I went off a cliff and realized only then I didn't have wings. "Didn't you feel this way a few days after EVERY race you did last year?" Oh yeah, I did. Its like the worst sugar crash ever (but not an actual sugar crash, but an endorphins one). You are happy dancing one second and bursting into tears the next. Now that I have run 8 miles to try and work out some of the sad/anxiousness, I am able to see more of the humor in it. Its the emotional come down, its the back to reality. And at least for the next few weeks, my reality is still the same one as before the new job, yet filled with a bit more confusion and upheval (positive of course). For the first time in a long time, the fact that I have the blues doesn't actually depress me more. I am able to just snuggle down and weather the storm and KNOW (yes! finally! I see it!) it will pass.

Blues food
I didn't make this today, but comfort food is always helpful on blues days. I actually made this pizza last thursday before the race. And my god was it good. And easy too!

Ingredients:
1/4 Pamela's Gluten Free Bread Mix prepare
Onions
Garlic
Mushrooms
Bell Pepper
Broccoli
Rainbow Chard
Marinara Sauce

Directions:
Prepare the dough according to the instructions. Your smart, you can figure it out. More than one person....make more dough! Definitely dust with cornmeal for that nice bottom crunch. Saute onions and garlic in olive oil until onions carmelize. Remove from pan and put in a bowl for later. Saute the remaining veg until they just start to cook, they will cook more in the oven so no worries. Construct! Marinara on the bottom, chard next, veggies on the top! Whatever fun ingredients you want. Bake according to dough instructions. Enjoy....alot!




3 comments:

  1. Oh man - that is so common after all the endorphin highs! Some recent research (Scott Dunlap wrote about it on his blog) showed that we make a lot of endocannaboids when racing, and it makes sense to me to have that downer later, when the newly formed receptors are screaming for more. I liken it to getting depressed after smoking too much pot (which is why I gave it up WAY back in college). Glad you're snuggling in and going with the flow!

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  2. Laura beat me to response! I call it "endorphione lows", not sugar low, and the explanation is purely scientific. Get it all the time. Well, it's Thursday - come out the other side, please! :)

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  3. Funny that you have photos of pizza, given the topic of endocannaboids. Hee hee....

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