There are just those days when life sometimes fits like a coarse wool shirt on bare skin. It comes out of nowhere and is often prompted by nothing specifically. A feeling of inherent meaninglessness just zaps all semblance of energy and passion and all I want to do is crawl back under the covers and try to sneak out the other side of the bed. And its not even like getting out of the bed on the wrong side really, it is not a bad mood, its not anger, sadness or some combination of emotions that is traceable to anything tangible. Its a feeling that has a popularized term to describe it: the quarter-life crisis. And even that description floats towards the surface of the feeling. Just because supposedly lots of people feel this way, doesn't really help. In alot of ways, it just makes me say, see it is in fact true. I think I need a distraction, I need direction. Working from home, I don't get a lot of distractions. Being single, as well as working from home, I don't get a lot of breaks from my inner space. And a lot of time thats a good thing. Sometimes I can just float in that space like a body suspended on the dead sea, face pointed towards the sun, contented. But not today. Today, I stretch to find a way out, to be thrown a lifeline that at least when I pull, goes taunt instead of giving, at least promising of a secure rooting on the other end. Social life, running, job, financials....I look everywhere for respite but find none. I hear the maternal voice echoing for patience and instinctively think, have I not been? And instead of being moved to even just distract myself, I can do nothing but sit in it, neck high in the muckety muck. I am frozen in space and time. Sigh, even trying to write about it feels forced beyond belief... I tried pancakes (to make me feel better), I will soon try running and hopefully that will at least distract me for a bit. The pancakes, as delicious as they were, just made me worry about other things. I had a few busy days of work, and then today back to the usual. I just need to get out of the house, I need to find connection, I need to find a bit of freedom for this feeling. Each sentence is like this space, floating away separate from each around it, yet combining into one big stew. I'm going to have patience, what choice do I have and tell myself that tomorrow will be better. The old, "act as if"....
Blueberry Gluten Free Pancakes
My one triumph of the day was making from scratch some very delicious Blueberry Gluten Free Pancakes from a recipe that I created. I had been looking around this morning for a recipe for Gluten Free Pancakes but found nothing that sounded appealing, so I took stock of the approximate proportions of dry to wet ingredients and headed into the test kitchen. I have to say, I've got skills. The pancakes were fluffy, not overly sweet and a great prerun fuel up (though, 5 hours later, I still haven't run yet BUT still).
1/2 cup brown rice flour
1/2 cup buckwheat flour
1/4 cup Pamela's Gluten Free Bread Mix
1 tbsp Sucanata
2 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup almond milk
1/2 cup applesauce (I used blackberry applesauce)
1 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 cup berries
In a bowl mix dry ingredients. Add almond milk and blend well. Add egg & vanilla and fold into batter. Add applesauce and continue to mix by hand. The batter should be pretty liquid and not too dense. Add the berries and gently fold them into the batter. Heat a skillet over medium to medium high heat. Scoop out 1/4 cup -1/2 cup of batter and pour into the skillet (you can grease the pan if you want but I had no sticking), spread around to desired thickness. I made mine with about a 1/2 cup of batter because I am a runner damnit and some little pancake is not going to do anything for me! I let it cook, watching it like a hawk for about 1.5 minutes, until the edges were starting to look cooked but the middle was still pretty liquidy. Flip and continue cooking until cooked through. When the bottom was as crisp and toasty brown as the top is when I figured I was good to take it off and I was right. These were absolutely delicious. I served mine up with a banana, pear, chopped pecans and some grade A Maple Syrup. My body has definitely been on a grain bent lately (kinda like my potato and brussel sprouts) and so I have been obliging as much as I can. As a GF special needs eater, this is more difficult for me than most and being a runner who needs a nice hefty portion of food in the mornings this is even more difficult, so these pancakes filled the bill nicely. Not to sweet, not to heavy, good and good for you.
Samosa Stuffed Baked Potatoes, the sequel
Last month I posted this recipe after making it with my uncle and his girlfriend. On tuesday night, I made them again and this time remember to take pictures. Absolutely delicious! I served it up with a side of sauteed broccoli, onions, mushrooms and bell peppers with red pepper flakes. These are great even as leftovers!