Zen and the Art of Following Your Heart

This post brought to you by my new sponsor Udo's Oil, Oil the Machine!!!

I recently re-read one of my favorite books. It's called How to be an Adult. Bad title, great book. After a summer full of feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted, constantly pulled under by the next big wave crashing over my head, I was in need of a little inspiration. I was in need of some help with integration of all of the thoughts, beliefs and emotions going on in my head. One quick re-read of the book (it's about 85 pages long) and I was feeling empowered.

I was reminded that it is ok to say "Yes", "No" or "Maybe" and mean it. It is possible to change your mind, be assertive and not have to explain yourself. Being assertive is awesome. Listening to your own heart and mind, even when it appears to go against the grain, is, frankly, liberating.

Me and 1/2 of my fan club, Steve Stoyles

I have been all over the map this summer when it comes to my running. After being pulled out of WS, I struggled with where my running was going, why I was doing what I was doing (in choosing races) and if I was making the choices I was because it was really what I wanted to do. I've cried, roared, struggled, gone back and forth, gained clarity, failed to act on it and finally, found my truth.

Immediately after WS, I was keen to hasten into the next 100 mile effort. I felt like I had to prove that what happened at States was a fluke. But that feeling wore off. I didn't choose to step off the course, something outside of my control happened and it was the only option. And prove myself to whom? I have successfully run 100 miles (actually won), I am a great runner and don't need to prove that to anyone. I was really happy to realize that and I was glad to not head into another race for that horribly wrong reason. 

Deep down, I really only wanted to run long enough to get a Glenn photo.

Since he wasn't at Goat Peak, I had to continue. Thanks Glenn!

Instead, I decided that what I needed was some good old fashioned rest. Then I had one good run and I was back to training and training like a mad person. Yes, for another 100 miler. I had signed up for it way back in February and figured, what the heck, I love the race, the people, the place, maybe I can find motivation and indomitable will to get through it, even though I had realized that I really didn't want to focus on the 100 mile distance right now. I figured I could train my body and my mind would follow. The reality is, I should have listened to my own heart and head and kept on resting.

But I was still not saying "Yes" "No" or "Maybe" because I wanted to. I had let some perceptions and misconceptions of the running community infiltrate my mind and muddy the waters. I proceeded with the plan to run CC100 partially because following through on commitments is something that is hardwired into my DNA (and taught to me as a child) and partially because I let myself be talked out of my own truth.

As the race crept towards me and I tapered, my mind was able to refocus on my own truths. I fundamentally believe that rest days, recovery and off seasons are as valuable as the miles and workouts we do. They are not things to be feared, avoided at any cost or looked down upon. I believe that moderation is the key to life long sustainability and keeps you connected to the reasons you do the things you love. If you do something immoderately, perhaps you need to examine why you push yourself so hard, why you are doing what you are doing and why you simply cannot do what you love in a way that will let you do it forever. I am a very, very hard worker and I am not arguing that we should all only run 50 mile weeks, goodness knows I don't. I am saying that it is sane, rational and healthy to take days off and take an off season. It is okay to recover after a race and take your time coming back and its okay to celebrate your accomplishments before you rush off to do the next thing. Moderation and balance are my fundamental truths.

One thing I really am sort of ashamed to admit is that I really bought into the "superiority complex" that I perceive in ultrarunning. Just like in marathoning, where everyone asks you if you have run Boston, in ultrarunning, its the same about running WS's and 100s in general. 100 milers are not superior to any other distance. They are simply longer. They are different yes, better no. I think its perfectly okay to want to run 50k, 50 mile or 100k. Have we forgotten that those distances are incomprehensible in and of themselves? It is an accomplishment to be able to run. It is an accomplishment to be able to run ultras. If I don't decide to focus my life and running schedule around 100 mile races, that is ok.

The second part of this is the idea that trails are superior to roads. I seem to be one of the rarer ultrarunners who loves, yes loves, the road as much as I do the trails. But this year, I have bought into this as well and haven't done a single long road run. They are completely different animals. And I value both of them. I don't really get why road ultra accomplishments are looked at differently or looked down upon. Frankly I think its amazing that on the road the kind of pace and effort runners have to sustain. They are different, neither is better.

The third part of the "superiority complex" I bought into is that uphill running is superior. There is much more to racing than just uphill, yet in my years as an ultrarunner there have been numerous occasions where my uphill abilities have been, let's say, commented on. Which in and of itself is hilarious since I have won several races with gnarly elevation gain, as many as I have without. I bought into this one very early on in the year as I prepared for WS. I focused on getting better on the hills (which is good), but at the expense of my leg speed and downhilling strength. I have spent a good deal of the year being harder on myself (mentally) than I need to be because I bought into this. Consider for yourself you have looked at an elevation profile for a race and said it "only" had such and such elevation.

To realize all of this, is game changing to me. I derailed somewhere and bought into something other than my own truth. Thankfully for me, it never sat right with me and I was able to resurface, re-evaluated and be true to myself. About a week and a half before CC100, I found my way, my truth again and could see more clearly what I wanted and needed to do. I found the heart of why I do what I do. I dropped the lies and stopped caring about what I thought everyone else thought I should do. I got reinvigorated for the future. And I am happy I did. 

I did not however, walk away from Cascade Crest. I figured, what the heck, I am super well trained, I have a great plan, crew/pacers, plane tickets and t-shirts. I also figured that since my mind was free of illusions that I would be able to run the distance just to enjoy it and to just have fun. The race crept closer and I was very uncommitted. Running 100 miles is not something to be undertaken lightly or without complete certainty that you will do whatever it takes to get to the finish line. I lined up at the race with a fresh and healthy body, but a mind that was not certain I wanted to waste myself just because I said I would. Just because I didn't want to walk away from a commitment. My head was already on to my next race but I was hoping I would just have too much fun at CC to even think about it.

The reality is, I was just not that into it. With my body working well, my legs feeling strong, my fueling/hydrating plan on point, I was left simply clipping along, in my own head thinking: "you got it all clear, you figured it out, you know what you really want to do and yet, here you are". I knew I would pay a heavy physical price to finish the race and I wasn't really enjoying myself. I really didn't want to put 100 miles on my legs when I have other plans. I had 5 miles in the entire time where I actually thought "ok, now we are talking". I should have never even started. I knew that I did not have my heart into it. So I changed my mind. Yes, I changed my mind. 

Jumping for joy at changing my mind

I wasn't physically suffering in any way. I just had decided I didn't really want to do it (a long time before the race ever started) and I just took 34 miles of running to be strong enough, to muster up my strength to say "No, this is not what I want". I changed my mind, I quit. And really, no one cares. It was the final gesture in getting back to myself, my truths and following my heart. I am so happy with the decision and proud of myself for not carrying on for, literally, no reason.

Totally worthwhile stomachache. Baked goods at Macrina.

I walked away from the race with relief, joy and excitement. I enjoyed myself throughly in the decision and the rest of the weekend was spent goofing off (see above pics and below) on the run, playing, laughing, eating delicious food (gluten included), drinking coffee and generally letting myself just enjoy. I am not speeding onwards to training again this week. I am resting HARD in preparation for my next training block. I will have had 3 good down weeks by then. 

The seasons are changing again and I enter the fall feeling like I am more myself than I have been in a long time. I am excited and invigorated. I am also feeling quite liberated by all of this. Who knew being an adult could be so much fun?

Roar

I just wrote a whole post that amounted, well, the feeling expressed in the above picture. I wrote it, felt it, and deleted it. For while some believe that my blog is like my confessional, that is far, far, like galaxy far far away, far from true. I share a lot that is true, but I keep a lot for myself too. I like to think I keep a good balance. I like to write out things to get them off my chest, let my feelings flow and truly examine my own thoughts, but that doesn't mean everything written needs to be shared. That is what the delete key is for. (Ok, that's what my journal is for, but you get my point). So instead, you can just imagine a good guttural howl coming from the picture above and then move on to cookies.

Because that is what I do, I get mad and then make cookies. And watch videos of baby pygmy goats. 

I wasn't in the mood to go completely original on the recipe so I took a recipe I found in a Seattle Times article and incorporated my own flour blend into it instead of the suggested flour blend. I also added a combination of peanut butter chip and chocolate chips. I think I like to make cookies so I can eat copious amounts of cookie dough. Often times, like today, I eat so much cookie dough, I have absolutely no interest in the cookies themselves. But that's okay, I like to share. Also, I think I just like to use my new Kitchenaid standing mixer that the Baker got for "me" for my birthday. You can get one here: Buy Now , if you don't have one, yeah its a big purchase but I can't imagine life without one now.

Gluten- Free CLASSIC CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

Makes about 3 dozen

2 cups Devon's gluten free flour mix

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

3/4 cup (11/2 sticks) butter, softened

1/4 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar

2 large eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla

1/2 (12-ounce) bag gluten-free chocolate chips

3/4 bag peanut butter chips.

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

2. Whisk together flour, baking soda and salt.

3. In a standing mixer, beat together on medium speed butter and sugars until a thick paste forms, about 1 minute. Add eggs, 1 at a time, mixing well after each addition. Add dry ingredients and vanilla; mix until a dough forms. Stir in gluten-free chocolate chips with a wooden spoon.

4. Drop rounded tablespoonfuls of dough about 2 inches apart onto cookie sheets.

5. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes or until golden brown.

6. Remove sheet from oven and place on a wire rack to cool for 3 to 5 minutes, then transfer cookies directly onto rack to cool completely. While first sheet is cooling, bake the second sheet of cookies. Store cookies in an airtight container.

Adapted From, Easy Gluten-Free Baking, by Elizabeth Barbone (c) 2009, St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

And just in case you don't believe me about the baby pygmy goats:

Math makes me a liar

Climbing Mt. Thorpe at CC100 as a pacer.

Photo by Glen Tachiyama

Not even a month ago I was on the fast track to resting. I knew I needed it, I was ready. Within 10 days of that post, however, I was out running a solo 40 mile effort in the Headlands and on Mt. Tam and I was back at it even if I never really felt like I was back in training mode. I felt like I not really ramping it up, not really hitting it that hard. I had that 40 mile run, but then I wasn't putting in the consistent double days I wanted and didn't feel like I was doing long enough long runs. In short, I was feeling like a slacker, while at the same time feeling still tired enough to not really worry to much about it. I wanted to get in good training for CC100, but accepted that maybe I wouldn't achieve the same type of peak training I did for WS. I felt like I put in a really good week while in Ohio and ran a bunch and on some really cool trails, but at the weeks end, I aborted my 40 mile night run because I was just feeling toasted. I was not inspiring confidence in myself or my training. Last week, I started to taper. Didn't do multiple doubles, didn't push extra hard. Took time to nap and rest. This week, even more so. At this point, I resigned myself to having only average training which may ultimately benefit me anyways heading into CC100.

And then I looked at the numbers for the past 6 weeks and mathematics proved me a liar.

I haven't been slacking. I haven't had a light go of it. In fact, I realized that I have the highest 6 week average all year. Which probably means in my entire life since this year I have ramped up my training more. I have been averaging just over 100 miles per week for 6 weeks. Not exactly light and leisurely. Oops, silly me. Only silly me to think that I was slacking or not putting in good hard work. Even though I would like to get up to averaging even more miles, 100 mile weeks are still huge and for the most part I have been able to weather them with a bit of a casual attitude. That makes me excited for future training blocks, but I will say, I plan to not piggie back them so closely on top of other peak training like I have this summer. I have had two "low" weeks all summer and it was pretty much only WS week and the week following that each were in the mid 70s. Nothing lower since the week after Miwok in May. I have kicked my own butt well. And so I have to have a bit of confidence in my own abilities at this point, even if I am a bit intimidated by tackling the 100 mile distance again.

I am tapering now and enjoying it. I am really pulling in the reins and not being tempted to sneak in anything extra. I have a lot of couch time scheduled in the next two weeks. This past Saturday, I had a great final long run over to the Headlands from the city (13 miles) then another 18/19 miles with the Endurables. It was fun to run by myself and then be pushed faster by the group. I was tired from the previous 6 weeks but could tell my legs were strong and ready. I also figured out a few key fueling things I need to bring back for CC100 including Chia Seeds.

When did I forget how freaking awesome Chia Seeds are for running? I mean seriously. I was on the bandwagon with Chia Seeds before Oprah was going on about them and long before Born to Run came out. But somewhere along the way, they got pushed to the back of the cupboard and I stopped using them regularly. Well, I brought them back and let me not forget about them again! I had a great run with them on Saturday. I took a spoonful of chia seeds with a sip of water after I had finished my breakfast. I highly recommend you pick some up from my OpenSky shop!

In a lot of ways, I am happy to be shown a liar. I was feeling badly about so many changed or aborted workouts in the past 6 weeks that my confidence was a bit flat. Now, I feel a bit better. I am still nervous, but I think the anticipation I feel is different this time. I feel like I am back to the beginning, when all I was considering was how to make it to the finish line in one piece and how to enjoy the heck out of myself along the way.

A few of my favorite things

I love naps. Young adult novels. Wearing sweat pants.

I love brussel sprouts, broccoli and persimmons. Hugs. And the feeling of accomplishment after a hard days work.

I like weimaraners. Taking pictures of food. And I love muffins.

I have said that last part before, but I have to say it again. I love muffins. There is something about muffins that I adore. And I love to make them. I think I should start a bakery with just muffins, gluten free of course. The muffins I make could never get a bad wrap for being unhealthy. But they are damn delicious.

I also love the bounty of the summer. There is so much amazing produce and we are flush with delicious fruits and vegetables. At this point in the summer, one might even argue we are at the point of being overwhelmed with certain vegetables. Mainly zucchini. I can only think of so many ways to prepare zucchini. And I had not yet figured out a good recipe from which to start my gluten free adaptation. The other day, I stumbled upon a recipe by Jenna of Eat, Live, Run and decided to give it another go on the zucchini muffins since we had a few zucchini that were still lurking around from the previous week's CSA book from Eatwell Farms. On top of that, I was keen to continue to see just how versatile my gluten free flour mixture was. I have successfully used the same mix in waffles, pancakes and pizza. Why not muffins too?

Why not indeed. I am happy to report that they were phenomenally good. So good that when the baker ate one, he said, "I kind of wish you hadn't given away half of them" (as I had given away 1/2 dozen to our good friends). But I reassured him not to worry, there were plenty more zucchini left to go through and make into glorious, cinnamon sugar topped zucchini muffins.

Zucchini Muffins

adapted from a recipe by Jenna of Eat, Live, Run

Makes 12

1.5 cups of Devon's gluten free mix (see below)

1/2 cup packed light brown sugar

1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar

1.5 cups grated zucchini (about two small-medium sized zucc’s)

1/2 tsp salt

2 eggs

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp vanilla extract 

1/3 cup olive oil (not fancy olive oil, basic olive oil)

2 tsp baking powder

Cinnamon sugar for topping (mix 3 tablespoons white sugar with 2 tsp cinnamon, I used vanilla sugar which is sugar that has had two vanilla beans hanging out in it)

Preheat the oven to 375. Line two muffin tins with paper. In a large bowl, whisk together the gluten free flour mix, sugars, salt, baking powder, cinnamon and nutmeg. Set aside.

In a medium sized bowl, combine the grated zucchini, eggs, vanilla and oil. Stir well to combine and then gently stir into the flour mixture. Stir only until combine. Don't overmix or the muffins will come out denses

Fill lined muffin tins about 3/4th of the way up with the batter and then sprinkle cinnamon sugar on each. Bake for about 30 minutes or until golden. Let cool in muffin tins for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack or cutting board and let cool completely. 

Devon's Gluten Free flour mix :

• 1.25 cups tapioca flour (also called tapioca starch)
• 1.25 cups sweet rice flour
• 1.5 cups brown rice flour
• .5 cups sorghum flour
• 2 tsp xanthum gum

Mix all flours and xanthum gum together and store in an airtight container in your freezer. This will make more than you need for the above recipe but will keep well.

In my dreams, there is pizza

Is it deja vu? Have you seen this post before? It is possible if you have been reading and keeping up with my Fast Foodie Cooks blog. I have decided to combine my blogs back into one. I don't need two. I thought I wanted to make a go at a "real" professional-like food blog but by dividing the food from the running you take away part of what makes me who I am. It is the play between food, running and life that interests me. Maybe I will never "make it" as a food blogger or as any kind of blogger, but frankly, I just have to be true to who I am. I am a Fast Foodie. So to reintroduce you to the foodie part of me (for those of you who weren't checking out the (gluten free) goodness going on over there, here is my most recent and exceptionally delicious post. And while I finish up the transition, you will probably stumble upon broken links, missing pictures, etc. I am working on all of that, stick with me!

There are a few things I don't eat very often: pizza and burgers. Partially because, for the most part, you can't find healthy (fast foodie) type versions of them. Partially because when I do eat them it is a treat or indulgence. But mostly because they usually aren't done well gluten free. In fact, they are usually appallingly bad. They don't crisp up right, they have a weird metallic taste (xanthum gum taste), or they are too sweet. Or they are just plain not good. I have found myself wondering if anyone even tasted the recipe or product before they put it on the market. I mean most of us do know what pizza is suppose to taste like. Thus, for the most part, I go without. I mean I have eaten 2 burgers in the span of time since I stopped being vegan (its just not the same without the bun) and maybe had pizza a half dozen times (and half of those times have been pain inducing but oh so worth it real gluten-y goodness).

Yes, I know I talk a lot about things I don't eat on this blog. And then I turn around and make them into something I can actually have. I thought about that a lot recently since we've been talking about the new Tartine Bread book that's coming out in September. Not a single thing I can eat in it, but I sure will be making sure that I pour over the recipes like nobodies business for some amazing ideas.

But I too have some amazing ideas. Like gluten free pizza. Ok, I didn't say it was an original idea but there are a few baked goods that very few in the gluten free world have mastered. Bread and pizza crust, really anything made with a basic dough in the gluten world, is hard to replicate. And these recipes are often coveted and additionally, it is hard to wade through the sea of available recipes to find the ones that are actually good.

But this one was good.

I will continue to work on it, but the initial success has me so excited I couldn't help but share it. So here it is. I look forward to playing with it more and will update it with new successes and ideas. All I know, is that there is going to be much more pizza eating around here.

Gluten Free Pizza Dough

First things first, you need to make your flour mixture. I have been playing with this mixture as my base for most of my baked goods lately and have found it delightfully versatile. You won't use it all in the dough recipe

GF flour mix:

• 1.25 cups tapioca flour (also called tapioca starch)
• 1.25 cups sweet rice flour
• 1.5 cups brown rice flour
• .5 cups sorghum flour
• 2 tsp xanthum gum

Gluten Free Pizza Dough:

• 1.75 cups gluten free flour mixture
• 1 tsp salt
• ½ tsp xathum gum
• 1 tbsp. honey
• 3 ounces active yeast
• 1 cup warm water
• 1 tsp oil
• 1 tsp apple cider vinegar

In a standing mixer, using the paddle attachment, mix the dry ingredients except the yeast until incorporated. Add yeast into warm warm to dissolve then add it and the remaining wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and mix until dough is holding together and forms a ball.

Remove dough from the mixture and let rise, covered in a warm place for an hour. You can skip this step in a pinch but it will crisp up even better if you do.

Once the dough is done rising, it is time to shape. First preheat your oven to 450 degrees. On a large piece of parchment paper, place the dough in the center. Dust the dough with tapioca flour so your fingers don't stick. Add more tapioca flour as you gently press the dough out into the desired size. You can either use a pizza stone (thus make a circle) or baking sheet (thus a rectangle). Spread the dough carefully until the crust is 1/4 inch thick. You won't be able to get the dough off the parchment paper, so place dough and parchment on your baking vessel. Let rise for another 20 minutes.

Once the second rise is complete, lightly drizzle olive oil over the crust. Bake at 450 degrees until the dough is golden, crispy and has air bubbles (yes air bubbles on a gluten free crust!).
Remove from oven.

Being very careful, using the parchment, flip the crust over so that the golden bottom is now your surface to put toppings. Now top with your favorite ingredients, lightly brush the edges with olive oil and bake again for 6-10 minutes.

Toppings:

Pizza #1: Mom's Marinara and fresh basil leaves

Pizza #2: Fresh figs, thinly sliced, Humbodlt fog goat cheese, fresh thyme, saffron sea salt, light drizzle of honey.